Would you love me back to you?

Unlike the squirrel in the snow

I'm trying to find my way home

Seeking warmth
Longing for safety

I'm not trying to be cute
I'm just trying to make it through

Being lost in the flakes
I hate the fact that I'm alone

Fluffy flakes, falling fast
My footprints, covered in white
Would you find me if I cry?

Unlike the squirrel in the snow

I'm not built to survive this cold

Needing heat
Longing for fire

I'm not trying to be bold
I'm just running from the cold

Being here in the frost
I'll hate to end a frozen soul

Fighting furious flurries; failing
My heartbeat, drums out a question
Would you love me back to you?

Starting Over

A few days ago, I published a post I wrote in November 2010 that I may live and love for long in an uncommon way. When I wrote it, I had every intention of living up to it. However, the reality is that the next year was tougher and by November 2011, I had not only forgotten that goal, I had exhausted myself trying to be more than enough to too many people all at once.

I discovered that I am not useful empty. I am breakable. I am responsible for my well being. I do not have to internalise. There are good people out there who care enough to listen and help me up when I fall. Common sense stuff you would think but it took almost destroying the best relationships in my life to realise these things.

Today, I am starting over in a sense and to track my progress, I will blog randomly about lessons I am learning as I rebuild relationships. I will be honest, incoherent, high and low but most of all, I will be me.

I 94 Exit 230 - The promise road.

On the promise road
At that bridge just before downtown
every face is a semblance of mine
Focused
Hopeful
Anything can happen today
On that bridge later
After nothing has happened
The same repeats
Moods change
Faces reflect the uncertainty felt
Until tomorrow
When we hope again

What can I say?

That's the question that mostly kept me away.

What can I say?

It's been over a year.

What can I say?

My life continues to change in ways I can't quite blog about.

What can I say?

Dunno. Should I even try?

What can I say?

Hello there or hi?

What can I say?

I'm back if only for a while.

That I may live and love for long in an uncommon way

A few weeks ago, after several days of kid oriented activities, my son asked me if I was really sure of where I came from. I wondered what he meant and nodded while eager to find out where he was going with this and then he said "it's just that sometimes it feels like you're from the world of fun."

Those words meant and still mean a lot to me. Things were not the usual for our household at this time, I was working harder than normal under new circumstances and was quite exhausted. The fact that my son could not perceive how exhausted I actually felt meant that I was doing something right and I suddenly had enough energy boost to do more. Words carried me and I was able to get through my to-do list for that time.

As humans, we like setting and working towards goals. We get reflective in the weeks before a New Year in preparation for what's ahead even as we plan parties. We celebrate milestones, pat ourselves at the back for things well done and when we miss the mark we purpose to do better next time often after we've beaten ourselves up.

Personally, my new year is in November because it's my favourite month and my birth month. In true human style, I became reflective but I made no party plans. The last year (Nov 09- Nov 10) had been too different for me. I had been stretched in a way that I do not want to be stretched again yet I could not have gained the wisdom I feel I now have without that experience.

My personal and spiritual values had been put on trial it seemed. Having always been introspective in nature, I became more so and there were times I felt like I was imploding. Sigh.

In all these and unknown to me a group where I would normally volunteer had the right words for me on a weekly basis - REST. So, this year, I skipped the party and retreated for my birthday and I had the most refreshing time. I could feel myself fall back into my own skin. I came out with only one goal, to rest and relax in this New Year that I may live and love for long in an uncommon way.

Guilty!

A colleague at work calls me temptation….well, only because I tend to send out group emails inviting people to my desk for goodies.

I have a sweet tooth.

It doesn’t matter how much calories a snack has or how deep the cavities I might get, some treats are too good to pass on.

This morning, I woke up wanting to share some of the chocolate goodness I had been given by awesome friends. I gave one to a lady that rides the bus with me. She accepted with profuse thanks and then said she should not have, since she is slightly diabetic but she wouldn’t return it even though I was ready to have it back. I felt a twinge of guilt.

At work, I shared more goodies but you know how it is, every thanks came with a word or two- about healthy eating. My guilt multiplied.

Several packs of chocolate later and possibly sugar high, I am smiling at the world and their brothers when I hear the word temptation, my colleague is here, I do not hand over any treat instead I offer an orange.

Finally, I’m guilt-free!

When sleep won't come

Stars twinkle from behind pine trees,
I wonder if anyone else is watching them
as I am,
through the window pane,
laying in the orange glow of the light bulb,
listening to the hums from a half broken laptop.
A motor-cycle just sped by, interrupting the quiet..
I hear my daughter turn and the drone of a plane
I don't know what I'm listening for.
I should sleep.
Night owl, early bird, strange but I am both
not one or the other
Another perplexing fun fact about me.
Odd to be the only one enjoying the night
Now having a cold drink under the rays of streetlights that color the kitchen floors
No cheers
Only the gulping sound from my throat as liquid flows down
Good night is what my belch should sound like.

Bubbles

Last summer brought with it a lot of water play, the sun's scorch caused our skin to demand more liquid to bring down our bodies rising temperatures.

People who had those splash and slide things rushed out to the garden and played with them. Other's who didn't, made do with whatever they had. I once saw someone drench a bunch of kids with the water hose in their garden and they loved it!

Chez nous, sprinklers and water gun fights were the highlight of my toddler's days.We also had different types of bubble makers in our house.

Blowing bubbles is such a simple and effective way of creating FUN time. We watch bubbles of different sizes, float up and down and then burst. Sometimes we pop them ourselves.

We even figured out that we get more bubbles when we switch on a fan and made the fan blow out the bubbles for us. We screamed and laughed and enjoye our bubble time.

It's no wonder why children love bubble baths. There is something about bubbles that scream relaxation and enjoyment. A lot like life to me actually.

Yes, I sometimes see life like a bubble. The way it begins. Created by a specific mixture of ingredients. Then proppelled into the air by the force of wind; with humans, the force may be different but we all have people in our lives that drive us which is why expressions like " you are the wind beneath my wings" exist.

The light and floating bubble state reminds me of innocence and transparency. The way bubbles reflect whatever colors that are close to them or just beam like a rainbow when rays of sunlight shine on them mirrors the human ability to act and speak based on whatever we have been exposed to.

When I see bubbles, I am nudged to be bubbly because I am reminded of the fleetingless of life. The way bubbles pop or get popped which is akin to our very own end, left behind emotions, the only evidence that they were here.

Insomnia

I am piercing the quietness of the night with hymns and classical music.

My new headphones are a delight!

May morning stay away for many more hours.

When it does come, may it not bring with it the headache from yesterday, the day before and the day before that.

Amin.

No longer waiting

My blogging life has been on hold for far longer than I expected. That was fine when I had other things that would totally make up for it. However, those things haven't quite made up for it because they didn't really come or rather, I am still waiting for them to show up

Staying away from here therefore no longer makes sense.

Sometimes I hide

I don't know about you but sometimes, I find that I am hiding from things that I should be doing like writing, making new budgets, new timetables and all other things that make my life function in an organised way.

For weeks, I pretend that these things can wait another day and then another until several weeks have passed and I am still kind of hiding.

It reminds me of my daughter who absolutely loves hide and seek. It doesn't matter that you can see the bulging duvet and know that she is there. She could care less that she is hiding behind your legs and giggling, or that she is responding to your " where could she be". To her, hide and seek is just a fun thing to do and she does it as often as she can.

Similarly, I enjoyed playing hide and seek as a child and remember a time I was playing it with my siblings and hid in this "cool" hiding spot ( an empty wardrobe noone was sure to look in). At first, it was kind of nice knowing I would win and stifling giggles as my siblings walked past the wardrobe believing that I couldn't possibly be there.

However, they soon got tired of looking for me and began to plead with me to come out but no, I wouldn't listen. So, they stopped calling and went on to do other things. It took me several minutes to realise I had been forgotten about.

Somebody else would have chosen that moment to come out and join in whatever new game they were playing but not me. I was going to make them find me. Needless to say, I fell asleep in this closet and when I was finally found, everyone's emotions had been stretched and what started off as fun, ended as a big mess.

So, as we hide from the things we ought to do maybe because it's fun at the beginning, we should keep in mind that only a few minutes separates the 'fun' part from the 'everyone's worked up because of you' part.

Abandoned?

For any wondering if I have abandoned this blog, the answer is no.

I actually have some unfinished posts which I might complete sometime...or not.

A one word summary of my silence here would be 'life'.

I let posting slide as I went about the art of living.

I will be back more often from now on. Maybe on a monthly basis.

See you later.

Through the eyes of a toddler - Healing.

'Train a child in the way they should go and he/she will not depart from it'. WORD!

As a rule, when someone is hurt or unwell in the family, we would first of all pray and then rest or take whatever medication is necessary until the virus/ailment disappears.

Consequently, if my son (Tio) sees me squinting or grimacing, he would ask " Mum, are you okay?" No matter my response, his first response is to pray. Usually one-liners like 'Father God, let my mum's pain go away, amen.' He will then come back repeatedly to ask if whatever ails me is gone and then he tap dances when I eventually say yes.

Recently, his little sister(Sunshine) had a cut on her finger. It was no big deal but you know, being kids from my loins, there was a lot of drama. Tio, went over to Sunshine and prayed his customary one-liner.

The next day, Sunshine says to Tio. 'my pain is still here.' Tio replies, 'oh, I forgot to tell you, God will take the pain away when we pray, it's just that it takes a loooooooooong time.'

My toddler had learnt something so many of us never learn; sometimes it takes a while but it will come. Wait!

So far

People are different. Fact. People use different words differently. Fact. People also use the same words a lot if they have kept each other's companies or went to the same school. Fact.

Most of my friends from my secondary school days will identify with 'morning shows the day'. It somehow works it's way into our conversations and we do it just like it was done back then.

'Nincompoop' is another word commonly used in a particulary company I keep, a company of people who once knew a certain old French lecturer.Thinking of him alone, elicits a smile.

There are however, two words I cannot stand. Really, they just irritate me when used in pleasant speech. The words are, so far. Why do people use so far? You ask how things are going, they reply, 'very well, so far'.

They are asked to lead a prayer session. They begin, 'thank you Lord because nothing bad has happened to us so far'. Some even update their facebook status with something like 'this year has been good so far.'

Why so far? Do they not know that so far connotes impending doom? Like you are half surprised things are going well or are half expecting things to go sour. So far, reduces the weight of whatever comes before it and I think should not be used in this way.

What do you think?

Changes to the A-Z of marriage series.

I know, you probably were expecting H. It will come. For now, though, all the A-Z series will be zapping from here.

They will be back one after the other in about 3weeks/month or so after they have been featured on www.234NEXT.com/ so bookmark that site and follow the series from there.

I will still be blogging here too so keep checking in.

Here's the link to my first post on NEXT: Be kind to everyone.

Randomness + Amusement

So, I am very busy at the moment. Work is leaving me with less time than I thought possible. That was until I remembered my old trick. Back in the day, I used to sleep for only 4 hours. I am trying to get back to that; at least until I am done with this project.

I also picked up the coffee drinking habit again, black, bitter-sweet, nothing fancy, I just stir in enough determination to fool my brain that I am not sleepy. It's working!

Ah, to why I came here. I gave myself a break a while ago and was 'im'ing with a friend. Our conversation amused me and led to this post.

Me: Hey.

Friend: Hey back. 'Was thinking about you earlier today, I saw someone in a movie that reminded me of you.

Me: Lol. Yay! I have become a movie star - please don't say it's Nollywood though.

Friend: It's Nollywood.

Me:Oh. 'pop'! You just burst my bubble.

Friend: You will faint when I tell you it's a he. LOL

Me: Oh no. I've been reduced to a man look alike, this can't be good *sob*

Friend: No seriously he's a very good looking guy. He's got your eyes and your completely mischievous smile.

Me: Oh, my sobs are down to sniffles, I've just been told 'I could be an handsome man'

Friend: laughs.

chat box shows friend is typing...

Me: Do you really want to dig yourself into a bigger hole?

Friend stops typing

We laugh.

Somehow, my coffee intoxicated self thought you would find this funny, especially as I am nowhere near writing G on the A-Z of married life. Stay amused!

E is for....

Editing! Gotcha! I bet you thought I was back with the marriage series. I am afraid not. I have been inundated with editing requests from friends, relatives and paying clients.

My freelance business was intended to be more writing spiced with some editing but it's turning out to be loads of editing and almost inexistent writing. I am beginning to edit in my sleep and when awake, I am forming new words. I can't complain though, it beats idleness amongst other things.

Anyway, I just did not want to leave you all wondering why I zapped. You bet I am working on the real E for the marriage/relationship series and will post it soon.

In the meantime, enjoy this quote I like by Blishen Edward, on editing "The work was like peeling an onion. The outer skin came off with difficulty... but in no time you'd be down to its innards, tears streaming from your eyes as more and more beautiful reductions became possible."

Gotta run, a deadline looms, E is for Editing!

Taking a break

I have been unwell. Much better now but staring at the computer is making my eyes and head really hurt. As a result, I have to take a break from the A-Z, in fact, from any writing.

Before I leave however, let me share with you that I had some fabulous news last friday of the kind that makes you smile to yourself everytime you remember and makes everyone you tell scream. Rejoice with me people and watch this space. I'll be back as soon as I am able.

It worked like magic!

There I was multitasking as usual, writing a blog post, watching some TV show and sending instant messages to some friends. It occured to me to ask what these friends had in mind for Valentine's day and two of the guys came up with nothing since they were somewhat low on cash.

I then suggested a simple low cost idea which they took on board and I have since heard that "it worked like magic". My suggestion was that they should write several meaningful notes to their spouses and hide them in different places in the house for her to find.

Women generally love to read love notes (ours and other's) besides, hunting for the notes can be thrilling as well as amusing so it's a win win situation. Of course, the flowers chocolate, cake and dining out are also great but showing someone we care really does not have to cost a penny.

As I said to one of the guys later, we women are really little girls at heart especially with the man we love. So the little things count a lot and we can be just as giddy over a hand written note as we can a diamond ring.

Really, in every relationship it would be nice if we remembered this more often and do the little things that count instead of waiting for grand gestures.

Happy Valentine's Day people and just incase you also did nothing because of cash flow reasons, it's never too late to write those notes it really does work like magic.

Alright, I will do it!

For a while, I have been meaning to do an elongated piece on Marriage. Actually, the A-Z of married life is what I had in mind and I even started writing letter A, then I stopped and told myself several reasons why I should not write it including - what qualifies me to write it.

The long and short of my reluctance however, was not really that I felt unqualified (afterall, I am married and I think that is enough qualification because I'll only be sharing my point of view), it really was my personal struggle with 'labels'. I felt that writing the A-Z of married life would brand me and for some reason I didn't want that.

Nonetheless, I keep hearing people's stories about things they struggle with in their marriage and some of what I hear just breaks my heart. I look within myself and know that an A-Z might have helped me on my path with the varied experiences being married has brought me. I am also too aware that many people would read a blog post before they finish a book on relationships so I have decided to stop struggling and simple do it.

I don't know that the words that I intend to use for each alphabet are the best possible ones, they certainly are not the only options but I know this for sure, they will be the words that have been laid on my heart explained in my own way with the single goal of helping to reduce the number of 'pretend-good' marriages.

The A-Z of married life will begin next week.