The way we win

It may be the voice of toddlers calling, oblivious to your deadline or friends who think they should hold more priority; it may be a pounding headache or the food from that new restaurant which kept you 'to'ing and 'fro'ing to the loo the night before a big presentation.

It may be incessant phone calls when you are trying to get an extra hour's sleep or the enticing piece of chocolate cake your colleague offers you the day you began your diet.

It may be you yourself questioning your goals or that a change of routine is desired or you suddenly hear news that you can't stop thinking about. The fact is, for every set goal, there are things from within and without that work against acheiving it.

Giving these things more than the split seconds of thought they deserve, may result in being side-tracked and we may never get to our desired goal.

What will help at times like that, is to think about people who have won competitions, races and other challenges in the past. How did they do it? They probably had gazzillion legitimate reasons to have given up but they did not, instead they remained focused until they got where they wanted to be.

Focus, the concentration of attention into something, is what gets people to the finish line. It maximises time and shuts out the noises. Keeping in mind the big picture, a clear image of the desired end result inspite of distractions is the way we win.

He will not give us more than we can bear.

It was my normal routine email. I sent it out to friends that had not been in touch in 4weeks or more. I personalised it, making sure I asked the right questions and sent my regards to the right names. I then waited for responses to flood in.

Most of the replies were like what I sent out, pleasantries and a short update of how things were going. One was however, just a sentence: Our baby went to be with the Lord but we are fine.

That whole day I could not answer back. Paralysed as we often are when we hear of tragedies but I knew that I had to get in touch as one should, no matter how sad the news, no matter how engulfed with grief the friend may be, they remember those who get in touch and they value them.

When I finally made the call, we chatted, we laughed, we had that painful throat feeling when the tears refuse to fall. I learnt about the day when the 4month old left. The week that followed I got another email, another sentence: Our baby's short but amazing life.

I still check those emails off and on perhaps I expect it to read differently. When I called back after viewing the pictures, one thing stood out in our conversation " He will not give us more than we can bear."

It made me wonder, how much can anyone bear? I may never get an answer to that question but I know that my friends lives have a pattern once again and those words played a huge part in getting them there.

Fresh Eyes

It was our first time worshipping in this big church. We had never seen anything like it. Her magnificence, displayed in an architectural wonder that spanned several acres and took ones breathe away.

A massive lobby with pictures of angels against cream coloured tall walls greeted us on the inside; chandeliers and mirrors which added to the natural light caused us to blink a few times.

There was a seating area somewhere in the middle, fresh plants, with green leaves adorned the sides of the settees projecting a homely feel. Paintings that take one far far away hang on some walls.

Mesmerised, we manage to find our way into the sanctuary where we were once again spell bound. Something about the equipment and effects reminded us of an entertainment centre.

When the choir sang what happen to be one of our favourite songs a little while later, it was impossible to believe it was not the actual CD that we were listening to, except they sounded even better than the CD!

We explored the grounds some more when the service was over. Impressed, does not do justice to how we felt.

A year later however, we hardly see the plants, we do not notice the cream coloured walls except when they have a yellow plastic sign that read ‘fresh paint’ in front of them.

We have seen it all before and although the building is still as breathtaking as ever, we no longer see it quite like that anymore. Our eyes have grown accustomed to seeing it so we sort of take it for granted.

Then we invited a friend whose marvels took us back to that first day. It made us see the need to look at things with fresh eyes, even our relationships.

So what if your man always gives good presentations, praise the next one as if it’s his first one. What does it matter that your woman always makes great dishes? Compliment her all the same.

Must it take an outsider to draw our attention to the excellence and beauty in one another, the very things that drew us to them in the first place which we now consider ‘normal’?

Take another look, this time with fresh eyes.

Trust like a child

In this time of uncertainties, where some of our friends go out in the morning to a job without being totally convinced that the job will still be their's next week, where there is hardly anyone who does not know someone somewhere who has been made redundant. It is easy to despair.

Financial difficulties have largely increased and people are tightening their budget strings. Brand name cereals are being replaced with generic ones with mothers picking Coco -rounds instead of Coco Pops. That difference alone makes some of us freak out. We don't remember that children are really less concerned about brand names and status symbols as they are about being loved and having fun.

Anxiety seems normal. We are tempted to turn away from the one thing that can help us. We recoil and hide because that gives us temporary comfort especially after listening to the news and hearing more depressing information which makes our stomach turn. Yet we make the unfavourable exchange rates the subject of conversations with our peers.

Our subconcious nudge us off and on but we neglect to do what we ought, we just can't deal with that right now. We are well aware that people have been known to turn away from God when things are not going quite as they would like but that is not us we reason after all we pray daily.

It might as well be us though, if we do not learn to trust God like a child. Do we even trust Him at all? If we do why would we toss and turn in the bed? If we truly believe in the words we pray and expect answers, we would trust, wouldn't we?

My nephews recently asked for toys which I have bought and will be sending off to them soon. As we live in different countries, it takes a while before I get things across to them but they never once doubt that the things will arrive. Not once, since I gave my word did they question my sister about if I would change my mind or forget. Instead they eagerly await their presents. To them, it's all about when and never if. It is a done deal not a probability.

Likewise with God. If He said it, we can go to sleep on it. If we trust him, we will relax knowing He's got our back and we need not second guess Him. Whatever you are going through today and however dire the situation is, you will do well to trust like a child.

When we speak different languages.

Not many things beat the frustration and anger accompanied with not being understood. The way we react in situations like that is a language in itself speaking out clearly about how we communicate.

In particular, when the communication gap is within a marital relationship, the negative feelings multiply. Spouses are quick to bring to mind the million and one times they have experienced similar scenarios thereby getting more vexed. Questions like how can he not get it? Why is she playing dumb? run around in their heads heightening the irritation.

There are those who get furious and draw battle lines usually recognized by their rising voices, clenched fists, revealing white knuckles and increasing beads of sweat around the brows. There are others who throw their hands up in the air and give up, choosing to shut down in other to avoid a melt-down and there are also those rare ones, who stay calm until they find a way to get their message across.

Getting to that calm level where something aggravating us can be resolved without burst arteries, streaming eyes and all the drama is not easy, but it is possible and achievable by everyone, if we desire it.

Suppose you are visiting a new country, say Spain for example. You do not speak a word of Spanish but you are looking forward to your vacation. Would you not invest in either learning basic Spanish, buy some of those ‘what you need to know about’ books or get a tour guide? Whatever the cost, you would not mind, because you know it will go a long way to enhance your whole trip making it that much more enjoyable.

Why is it then that we hardly employ this mindset to life, our most important journey of all? Ask yourself when was the last time you tried to see things from your spouse’s perspective? Or bought a book that will help you understand him/her better? Why neglect to equip ourselves with aids that will make our lives more interesting?

Every man speaks a different language to every woman. Fact! That person you walked down the aisle with has whatever many years of various experiences that make him communicate the way he does. Add to that his inherent tendencies and you will see that perhaps instead of an anger outburst or a name calling exercise, a calm and solutions focused approach will make more difference.

When we speak different languages, normally, we try to learn each other’s language, we are more tolerant of errors, we show more patience, we sharpen our non-verbal cues, we practice a lot, we show rather than tell and we do not give up. Should we not lend one another the courtesy that we do where real languages are concerned?

Gratitude

My euphoria about the historic event we witnessed last Tuesday has not completely waned. It is probably the same for you and I doubt there is anyone who was not touched one way or another by that making of history. It's such a rarely thing and all I can do is give thanks to Him who thanks is due.

So today, I thank God for history that has been made, for people who never give up until they fulfill their destinies and for a brighter tomorrow.

I could not find either songs I wanted to share so I'll post part of the lyrics.

Mark Altrogge's Destiny:

I have a destiny I know I shall fulfil

I have a destiny in that city on a hill

I have a destiny and it's not an empty wish

For I know I was born for such a time as this

Donnie McClurkin's Yes We Can (no, it wasn't just recently released)

You gotta make this land a better land

In the world in which we live

We gotta help each man and each woman be better

By the kindness that we give

I know we can make it,

I know real well We can make it,

yes we can, can...

Mile-takers.

There are people who seem to enjoy taking others for a ride. You give them an inch, they take several miles. I doubt that anyone enjoys being cheated. Not even con artists. Why these people can't see that baffles me.

How do they even decide who to mess with? Is it that they have a radar that alerts them to their victims? Or do they not realise when they cross the line between asking for a favour and 'using' someone? Whatever happened to doing as you would like to be done to? Are people from particular countries prone to behaving this way than others?

You tell me.

At at a function the other day, I sat with a group of people from different African countries. Ever so often, the subject will touch on Nigerians and it appeared that the table were in agreement that Nigerians are arrogant and expert mile-takers.

I tried to understand the rationale behind it and attempted to make a case against generalisation quelling examples that flooded to my mind of when my fellow country men had taken miles instead of the inch on offer.

There was the time I was making an international trip, back when one was allowed 32kg per bag excluding hand luggage. All I had was a tiny bag and so when someone asked if I could help her take a few things I readily agreed. Well, she turned up to my house with 2 suitcases weighing 30kg each. Imagine!

There was also that person who expected me to ship a box of clothes for her when she learnt I was relocating and would be shipping some stuff. Arghh!

Anyway, back at this event, the people on my table readily backed their consensus with examples which led to this post.

As someone who recently began my writing business which includes rendering services like proof-reading/editing documents, typing,transcribing etc, I advertise myself everytime I have the opportunity.

I have a wide target including schools, students and specific organisations. I would usually cite past projects as well as the cost implications.

To my suprise, a few days ago, a Nigerian woman I know well, breezed into my house textbooks in hand with a college assignment brief, asking me not only to answer the questions for her, to type it including references as soon as possible and at no cost.

I don't know what disgusted me more. The fact that I had been asked or that I did not immediately decline. It took me the better part of a day to form my words of rejection.

It made me wonder, what drives these people? How come they have the audacity to make the requests? Why do we their victims grant any of them? Could it be the radar thing? Or that we, the victims, have the inability to say no in common? Are Nigerian expert mile-takers?

What do you think?