Monday, February 20, 2012

Would you love me back to you?

Unlike the squirrel in the snow
I'm trying to find my way home

Seeking warmth
Longing for safety

I'm not trying to be cute
I'm just trying to make it through

Being lost in the flakes
I hate the fact that I'm alone

Fluffy flakes, falling fast
My footprints, covered in white
Would you find me if I cry?

Unlike the squirrel in the snow
I'm not built to survive this cold

Needing heat
Longing for fire

I'm not trying to be bold
I'm just running from the cold

Being here in the frost
I'll hate to end a frozen soul

Fighting furious flurries; failing
My heartbeat, drums out a question
Would you love me back to you?

Starting Over

A few days ago, I published a post I wrote in November 2010 that I may live and love for long in an uncommon way. When I wrote it, I had every intention of living up to it. However, the reality is that the next year was tougher and by November 2011, I had not only forgotten that goal, I had exhausted myself trying to be more than enough to too many people all at once.

I discovered that I am not useful empty. I am breakable. I am responsible for my well being. I do not have to internalise. There are good people out there who care enough to listen and help me up when I fall. Common sense stuff you would think but it took almost destroying the best relationships in my life to realise these things.

Today, I am starting over in a sense and to track my progress, I will blog randomly about lessons I am learning as I rebuild relationships. I will be honest, incoherent, high and low but most of all, I will be me.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

I 94 Exit 230 - The promise road.

On the promise road
At that bridge just before downtown
every face is a semblance of mine
Anything can happen today
On that bridge later
After nothing has happened
The same repeats
Moods change
Faces reflect the uncertainty felt
Until tomorrow
When we hope again

What can I say?

That's the question that mostly kept me away.

What can I say?

It's been over a year.

What can I say?

My life continues to change in ways I can't quite blog about.

What can I say?

Dunno. Should I even try?

What can I say?

Hello there or hi?

What can I say?

I'm back if only for a while.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

That I may live and love for long in an uncommon way

A few weeks ago, after several days of kid oriented activities, my son asked me if I was really sure of where I came from. I wondered what he meant and nodded while eager to find out where he was going with this and then he said "it's just that sometimes it feels like you're from the world of fun."

Those words meant and still mean a lot to me. Things were not the usual for our household at this time, I was working harder than normal under new circumstances and was quite exhausted. The fact that my son could not perceive how exhausted I actually felt meant that I was doing something right and I suddenly had enough energy boost to do more. Words carried me and I was able to get through my to-do list for that time.

As humans, we like setting and working towards goals. We get reflective in the weeks before a New Year in preparation for what's ahead even as we plan parties. We celebrate milestones, pat ourselves at the back for things well done and when we miss the mark we purpose to do better next time often after we've beaten ourselves up.

Personally, my new year is in November because it's my favourite month and my birth month. In true human style, I became reflective but I made no party plans. The last year (Nov 09- Nov 10) had been too different for me. I had been stretched in a way that I do not want to be stretched again yet I could not have gained the wisdom I feel I now have without that experience.

My personal and spiritual values had been put on trial it seemed. Having always been introspective in nature, I became more so and there were times I felt like I was imploding. Sigh.

In all these and unknown to me a group where I would normally volunteer had the right words for me on a weekly basis - REST. So, this year, I skipped the party and retreated for my birthday and I had the most refreshing time. I could feel myself fall back into my own skin. I came out with only one goal, to rest and relax in this New Year that I may live and love for long in an uncommon way.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


A colleague at work calls me temptation….well, only because I tend to send out group emails inviting people to my desk for goodies.

I have a sweet tooth.

It doesn’t matter how much calories a snack has or how deep the cavities I might get, some treats are too good to pass on.

This morning, I woke up wanting to share some of the chocolate goodness I had been given by awesome friends. I gave one to a lady that rides the bus with me. She accepted with profuse thanks and then said she should not have, since she is slightly diabetic but she wouldn’t return it even though I was ready to have it back. I felt a twinge of guilt.

At work, I shared more goodies but you know how it is, every thanks came with a word or two- about healthy eating. My guilt multiplied.

Several packs of chocolate later and possibly sugar high, I am smiling at the world and their brothers when I hear the word temptation, my colleague is here, I do not hand over any treat instead I offer an orange.

Finally, I’m guilt-free!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

When sleep won't come

Stars twinkle from behind pine trees,
I wonder if anyone else is watching them
as I am,
through the window pane,
laying in the orange glow of the light bulb,
listening to the hums from a half broken laptop.
A motor-cycle just sped by, interrupting the quiet..
I hear my daughter turn and the drone of a plane
I don't know what I'm listening for.
I should sleep.
Night owl, early bird, strange but I am both
not one or the other
Another perplexing fun fact about me.
Odd to be the only one enjoying the night
Now having a cold drink under the rays of streetlights that color the kitchen floors
No cheers
Only the gulping sound from my throat as liquid flows down
Good night is what my belch should sound like.